Cheatin’ Movies

Throughout the course of our marriage, Marlboro Man has noted–and has teased me regularly–that I have a tendency to watch cheatin’ movies.

Let me defend myself: I don’t set out to find cheatin’ movies. I don’t seek out the message of cheatin’ movies. It’s just that I love a lot of movies, and some of them–by no fault of my own–just happen to have a cheatin’ storyline.

But it’s all about the acting for me! And the actors. And the writing. And the cinematography. Can I help it if Hollywood doesn’t honor the sacrament of marriage? Does that mean I have to boycot every movie in which one of the spouses strays?

I thinketh not, and if Marlboro Man is going to continue to give me trouble about this, I’m going to have to start giving him trouble about all the movies he watches that involve aircraft carriers.

I’m not quite sure what angle I’ll be taking yet. But I’m working on it.

Here are my five favorite movies that just so happen to involve cheatin’:

5. Age of Innocence

In this Scorsese masterpiece, Newland Archer (Daniel Day-Lewis) actually strays from his love May (Winona Ryder) before they’re even married–sharing one uncomfortably passionate, groany kiss with Michelle Pfeiffer before she abruptly calls things to a halt for fear of hurting Ryder, her beloved cousin. But Newland’s emotional affair with Countess Olenska continues long after he and May are wed, and it forms the basis for this entire movie’s conflict. And angst. And tension.

4. How to Make an American Quilt

(Universal Studios)

Speaking of Winona Ryder, I could watch this beautiful film (read: chick flick) over and over, then over again, despite the fact that Winona chooses to have a heated dalliance with the–okay, fine–viscerally beautiful Jonathan Schaech while engaged to (my one true cinematic love), Dermot Mulroney (which Marlboro Man has also become hip to through the years, but which I refuse to acknowledge when he calls me on it, so don’t tell him I admitted it here. Oh, hi honey! Do you read my new Entertainment section? I’m just kidding! Dermot is dumb.)

Despite the cheatin’ subtext, “How to Make an American Quilt” is a highly quotable and rewindable film, and the supporting cast of Anne Bancroft, Kate Nelligan, Maya Angelou, Alfre Woodard (a fellow Okie), and Ellen Burstyn (see #1 movie on today’s list) is just outstanding. Its flashbacks to the early experiences each woman has had with love fills me with nostalgia, and I always come away from the movie feeling proud to be a woman.

My favorite line, uttered by Winona to her mother (Kate Capshaw) upon learning that she and her father are getting back together:

“It’s too late. The imprint’s been made–I’m a mess!”

I love you, Winona. This is one of your greatest movies.

3. Violets are Blue

This 1986 sleeper, starring Sissy Spacek and Kevin Kline, tells the story of two high school sweethearts whose plans for a future together are interrupted by her ambition to travel the world as a Time magazine photographer and his ambition to accidentally get another woman–a girl-next-door Bonnie Bedelia–pregnant.

Years later, Sissy returns to her small, coastal hometown to visit her parents and runs into Kevin, who by now is happily married with a teenage boy and running his father’s newspaper.

In a nutshell, Kevin invites Sissy over for dinner, Bonnie makes them all gazpacho, then Sissy says goodnight and starts to walk home. It’s about to rain, so good-hearted Bonnie tells her upright, trustworthy husband to go walk Sissy home. It’s the only right thing to do.

So on the walk home, Sissy has a meltdown because Kevin has a home and a family and they all obviously love one another, and Sissy doesn’t even have a cat. Then they start arguing. Then they wind up “reuniting” under the pier just a few paces away from her parents’ house.

Don’t do it, Kevin! You have a home and a family and you love them!

The pier incident begins a plunge-back-into-the-past affair that culminates in Kevin trying to decide whether to abandon his family and go travel the world as Sissy’s journalistic sidekick…or to remain in the honorable-but-somewhat-mundane life he’s chosen.

I’ll let you figure out which life he winds up going with, but my favorite line of the movie is when Bonnie Bedelia finds out that Kevin’s been unfaithful and is considering leaving his small town for a more exciting life with Sissy. I’m paraphrasing:

“If you want to go, go. I can’t compete with her. But I’m not going to apologize for liking it here!”

You tell him, Bonnie!

2. Cousins

(Paramount Pictures)

This movie about a woman (Isabella Rosselini, more beautiful than I ever thought possible) in an unhappy marriage with a philandering husband, and a trumpet playing dance instructor (Ted Danson) in an unhappy marriage with a vivacious (and, it turns out, philandering) woman (Sean Young), who then decide that the solution for both of their predicaments is to…well…cheat with each other is, unfortunately, a visually beautiful movie with enough charming scenes to keep the viewer wanting more. And the movie does a pretty good job at painting Isabella’s and Ted’s spouses as less-than-sympathetic characters…so somehow, the viewer is absolved of the guilt over wanting Isabella and Ted’s relationship to flourish.

My favorite part of the movie, though, are the scenes between Lloyd Bridges, who plays Ted Danson’s father, and Keith Coogan, who plays Danson’s son. They convey such a fun and sweet grandfather/grandson vibe.

1. Same Time Next Year

Possibly the most unabashedly entertaining cheatin’ movie of all time, this Alan Alda/Ellen Burstyn classic tells the story of a couple that has an “accidental” (oops!) weekend-long affair when they’re both traveling away from home, then arrange to meet every single year on the same weekend, in the same location.

The premise, of course, is a burr in the saddle of anyone who appreciates fidelity in relationships. But the movie does a beautiful job of portraying the passage of time–from the 1950’s to the early 1970’s–and does us all the favor of at least acknowledging throughout the course of the movie that their spouses are real human beings, and that what they’re doing isn’t necessarily advisable. Unfortunately, though, Alda and Burstyn are so incredibly charming and have such a burning–yet still innocent and likable–chemistry…it’s impossible not to come away from the movie cheering for them.

I know…I know. Believe me, I know.

Cheatin’ movies.

They’re a tool of Satan himself, I’m convinced of it.