Why I Will Always Love Parenthood

I almost didn’t write about Parenthood, the 1989 movie starring Steve Martin, Dianne Wiest, Mary Steenburgen, Keanu Reeves, and a nice handful of other perfectly-cast actors, because I had no idea where to start. I also feared that I’d be writing the post for hours and hours, because it’s one of those movies that I can talk about for…well, for hours and hours. So if I’m still here at midnight tonight, please send help.

Parenthood was directed by the brilliant Ron Howard and chronicles the parenting joys and struggles of an advertising executive (Steve Martin) and his siblings (Wiest, Harley Jane Kozak, Tom Hulce). Martin is an advertising executive whose nine-year-old son Kevin has been diagnosed with emotional and behavioral problems, and who has to balance the time he needs to spend advancing his career with the growing demands of his family life. Wiest, Martin’s sister, is a divorced career woman whose teenage daughter (Martha Plimpton) falls in love with a loser (Reeves), then marries him on the sly and, eventually, gets pregnant. Kozak, Martin’s other sister, is married to yuppie Rick Moranis, who has high academic hopes for their three-year-old daughter and doesn’t want her hanging out with her less-intelligent cousins. And Hulce, Martin’s wayward brother, is a gambling addict who comes home with his young son to try to score enough money from their dad (Jason Robards) to pay off murderous bookies.

That’s the basic gist of the movie. Where the magic comes in is with the writing, the acting, and just how beautifully (and hilariously) relatable the parenting storylines are. Martin’s struggle with his son’s problems in school is palpable, and he questions what role his own personality and temperament played in Kevin’s high strung nature. He decides the antidote to Kevin’s problems is for him to spend more time with his son; unfortunately, Martin’s boss simultaneously tells him that spending more time at the office wowing clients is the only chance he’ll have at becoming partner at the firm. The icing on the cake is when Martin’s wife (Steenburgen) discovers she’s unexpectedly pregnant with their fourth child just after Martin quits his job in a huff. The resulting marital argument leaves Steenburgen declaring, “In the state you’re in, not only am I not sure if we should have this child, I’m not sure we should keep the ones we’ve got.”

“Well, I’m willing to discuss it!” Martin fumes. “Unfortunately, I’ve got to go coach Kevin’s game!”

“Do you really have to go?” Steenburgen pleads.

And then, the line that sends chills down any middle-aged person’s spine: “My whole life is ‘have to.”

And with that, Martin storms out of the house.

*****

Kozak’s marriage to Rick Moranis is rigid and structured and she follows his yuppie parenting whims, joining him in macro dieting, quizzing tiny Patty with square root flash cards, and giving Patty lectures about how she needs to apply herself more in school. When Patty, who appears to be a child genius, wigs out after watching Martin perform a disappearing thumb trick at Kevin’s birthday party, Kozak decides she’s had enough.

“Nathan, she’s WEIRD. She’s a weird child!” she yells.

Moranis counters that it isn’t Patty’s fault, that she really shouldn’t be “socially activated” until she’s a little older.

Kozak argues, “She’s not a BOMB, she’s a little kid who has no ability to relate to other little kids!”

Later, conflict results when Moranis discovers that Kozak has been *ahem* tampering with her birth control (she desperately wants another baby, but he won’t consider it until Patty is older) and things get interesting from there.

*****

Hulce’s character is the darkest in the movie. He’s had a child with a stripper, who ran off and left him with Hulce even as Hulce was mounting up gambling debts. He comes home after many years under the guise of needing time to work on a big business deal he’s had in the works, but in reality he plans to hit up his dad (Robards) for money to pay bookies. After he steals his dad’s vintage (and most beloved) car to have it appraised, he comes clean to his dad that his life is in danger if he doesn’t pay the debt. Robards is then left with deciding whether to give his youngest child the brush-off and force him to fend for himself…or putting off retiring from his plumbing supplies business in order to bail him out.

A poignant moment occurs when Robards visits Martin, his other son (their father-son relationship is not strong), to seek his advice about what to do. Robards admits he thinks Martin is a good father and would make the right decision…then Martin sets the record straight by listing all the ways he feels he’s failing at parenthood.

*****

But it’s Wiest who steals the movie completely. Her dentist husband has remarried and abandoned her and their two teenage kids, and she’s doing everything she can do to support them and give them a secure life at home. Meanwhile, Plimpton, a cheerleader and honors student, has taken up with Reeves, whom Wiest has labeled as a complete loser…and Gary (a young Joaquin Phoenix), confused and unhappy, skulks around the house, barely speaks, and has no one to talk to about the struggles of entering adolescence.

Wiest is vulnerable and fragile, and has no life of her own apart from her career at the bank and her kids. When her daughter begins to stray from the vision Wiest had for her, chaos ensues…and ultimately, she throws up her hands and surrenders, allowing Reeves to move into the house and live. Ultimately, it’s Reeves that is able to connect with Gary, Wiest’s son, and he becomes a much-needed male figure in his life. That Reeves had come from a home with an abusive father makes this new friendship even more meaningful.

*****

Because I live by movie lines, here are ten of my favorite lines from Parenthood. Those of you who’ve seen it should recognize/remember most of them:

1. (As Plimpton is weeping over a sudden breakup with Reeves)

Wiest: “I told you not to get involved with that Tod…”

Plimpton: “Oh mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.”

2. (Any time Gary enters the room)

Wiest, forcing a huge smile: “HI…GARY!”

3. (After Martin’s elderly grandmother has told them that it’s the ups and downs of life that make it worth living, then goes outside to get in the car.)

Steenburgen, angry: “As far as I’m concerned, your grandmother’s brilliant!”

Martin, looking out the window: “Yeah, if she’s so brilliant, why is she sitting in the neighbor’s car?”

4. (After Plimpton has just lowered the boom to Wiest [and her date, Gary’s teacher] that she’s expecting Reeves’ baby)

Gary’s teacher: “You’re going to be a grandmother?”

Wiest: “No, no, no, no…I’m not going to be a grandmother. I was at Woodstock! I peed in a field!”

5. (I won’t explain this one.)

Steenburgen: “It’s an…electric…ear cleaner.”

6. (After Martin has hurriedly decided to play the role of cowboy entertainer at Kevin’s birthday party.)

Martin: “The name’s Cowboy Gil. As in Gil-ty!”

7. (After Steenburgen has just told Martin she’s pregnant.”

Martin: “Well, great! Let’s see how I can screw the fourth one up! Hey…let’s have five. Let’s have six! Let’s have a dozen and pretend they’re donuts!”

8. (Same fight.)

Martin: “Well, that’s the difference between men and women. Women have choices. Men have responsibility.”

Steenburgen: “Oh, really? Oh, okay…well, I choose for YOU to have the baby, okay? You get fat, you breastfeed till your nipples hurt, okay? That’s what I choose!”

Martin: “Okay, let’s get out of La-La land, because that’s never gonna happen.

9. (When Wiest discovers some suggestive photos of Reeves and Plimpton)

Wiest: “Oh! Here’s one for my wallet!”

10. (After Plimpton and Reeves get married)

Wiest: “I’ll give ’em six months. Three if she cooks.”

*****

Parenthood, despite some of the heavier themes, is actually a comedy–and the juicier lines in the movie are some of the funniest I’ve ever heard. It’s also one of the most emotional and touching movies about parenting that I’ve ever seen. When I watched it in college, I loved it for the humor and the funny family storylines. But as I’ve watched it over the years I’ve had children, it has moved higher and higher up on the totem pole of movies that really, really mean something to me. I laugh out loud every time I watch it…but I cry out loud, too. Because the overall message of the film, on one hand, is that when it comes right down to it, no parent really knows what in the world he/she is doing. But it also suggests that somehow, most everything really will be okay.

I highly recommend it for anyone who’s ever been–or who ever wants to be a parent.

Love,

PW

(Note: The movie’s precious and very family oriented, but there are a couple of relatively minor doozies that might make you squirm if you’re watching it with your kiddos–so if you’re concerned, you might watch it yourself first. Most if it is stuff that young kids likely wouldn’t get anyway…but I don’t want to make that call for you.)