What makes you feel loved in a romantic relationship? If you're not quite sure how to answer that question, you might want to consider the five love languages as a place to start. This concept, introduced by marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, suggests that people express and receive love in different ways—namely, through acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
According to Dr. Chapman's theory, everyone has a preferred love language, and understanding your partner's love language can enhance communication, emotional connection, and overall satisfaction in relationships. The idea is that expressing love in a way that resonates with your partner's preferred love language is more impactful and fosters a deeper sense of connection.
"One of our deepest emotional needs on the human level is the need to feel loved," Dr. Chapman tells ThePioneerWoman.com. "And usually the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. If you feel loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. If what I call the 'love tank' is empty and you don't feel loved by your spouse, life can begin to look pretty dark."
No matter the state of your relationship, the 5 love languages can be helpful. Read on to find out everything you should know about them.
What are the 5 love languages?
As a pastor and marriage counselor for decades, Dr. Chapman says he saw many couples who seemed to care about each other deeply, but for some reason struggled to communicate that love and affection to each other.
"I knew there had to be a pattern to it," he said. "Eventually I sat down and read several years of notes that I'd made when I was counseling and I asked myself the question: 'When someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me, what did they want?' And their answers fell into five categories, and I later called them the five love languages."
The five love languages are:
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch
Acts of service
This love language involves expressing affection through helpful actions: doing things for others to make their lives easer and more enjoyable. This could include tasks like cooking a meal, helping with chores, or providing practical support. For someone whose primary love language is acts of service, these thoughtful deeds are powerful expressions of love and care.
Receiving gifts
This one is characterized by the appreciation of tangible symbols of love. People with this love language value the thought and effort put into selecting or creating a meaningful gift. It's not about the material value but rather the emotional significance attached to the gesture. Whether it's a small token or a thoughtful present, the act of giving and receiving gifts becomes a powerful way to express love, thoughtfulness, and affection for those who favor this love language.
Quality Time
This love language emphasizes the significance of undivided attention and shared experiences in expressing love. For individuals who lean toward this love language, spending meaningful, focused time with their partner is paramount. It's about creating moments of connection, engaging in deep conversations, and sharing activities together. Quality time doesn't necessarily require grand gestures but rather an intentional presence and genuine interest in the other person's company. In a world filled with distractions, prioritizing quality time allows for emotional closeness and strengthens the bonds of intimacy in relationships.
Words of Affirmation
This love language involves expressing love and affection through verbal communication. Anyone who counts this as their love language values hearing words of encouragement, appreciation, reassurance, and affirmation. Simple compliments, love messages, or words that acknowledge their efforts can have a profound impact in making someone with this love language feel loved and valued.
Physical Touch
This love language involves expressing affection through physical contact like hugs, kisses, holding hands, or other forms of touch. For people with this love language, physical touch can be a powerful means of communication, conveying love, comfort, reassurance, and intimacy. It goes beyond mere physical proximity and becomes a vital aspect of expressing love and building a strong connection.
The Benefits of Learning Love Languages
Understanding your partner's love language can be transformative for your relationship, enhancing communication, deepening connections, and fostering a sense of emotional intimacy. The first step is taking the quick and easy quiz to find out your primary love language as well as your partner's.
"Knowing and understanding your love languages will help anyone who sincerely wants to communicate love to their spouse discover the most effective way to do it," Dr. Chapman says. Although he believes everyone has only one primary love language, he recommends giving "heavy doses of that love language while also sprinkling in the other four."
"You get extra credit for those," he adds with a laugh.
Dr. Anna Nicholaides, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and owner of Philadelphia Couples Therapy, agrees that understanding love languages can be beneficial for relationships, especially in conjunction with couple's therapy.
"It's a nice starting place for people who aren't in therapy to recognize what helps their partner feel loved, and how they tend to give and want love," she says. "Because if they're wildly different, it helps attenuate hurt feelings."
It's been said that falling in love is easy, and choosing to stay in love is the hard part, a sentiment that certainly resonates with Dr. Chapman.
"It's not enough to simply determine each other's love language; you must then choose to speak it," he says. "Because love is a choice. This kind of love doesn't start with a feeling—falling in love starts with those warm, bubbly feelings—but once you come down off that high, you have to choose the attitude of love, every single day."
Tierney McAfee is a freelance writer and Country Living and The Pioneer Woman contributor who covers entertainment, holiday & entertaining, food & drinks, design ideas, DIY, and more.
