My Captive

Marlboro Man, our three younger kids, and I drove from Pittsburgh to Columbus today. I have a signing here tomorrow night, then we’ll drive to Indianapolis together. We’re the Griswolds, is what I’m saying.

Because he was my captive, I decided to interview my strapping stallion.

I’m just here to report the news.

 

First of all, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
No problem.

 
I’ll start now, is that okay?
Yes.

 
Hi.
Hi.

 
What’s up?
Driving.

 
Did you enjoy Pittsburgh?
Yeah, it was really nice.

 
What time did we wake up yesterday morning?
Nine o’clock, I think.

 
How did that make you feel?
Good, considering we got in at midnight.

 
Can we implement this same schedule on the ranch when we get home?
(Laughing) That’s not gonna happen.

 
Don’t you ever say never to me. (Name that movie.)
I didn’t say never. I said it’s not going to happen.

 
Why not? Why couldn’t we implement this same schedule on the ranch?
It just doesn’t fit with the work we have to do.

 
One thing people ask me a lot is why on earth we have to get up at the ungodly hour of 4:00 am in the summertime. And come to think of it, I’ve been wondering the same thing myself.
When it gets hot, and when you’re working with animals, you have to get your work done before it gets too warm. If you can get the majority of the work done before noon—working calves or processing steers—then that gives you the rest of the day to put out your salt and mineral, fix fence, and things like that.

 
Is the early morning hour to the benefit of the animals or the work crew?
Both.

 
Equally?
More for the animals. They’re not mutually exclusive, though. It’s easier on the work crew if the animals feel good and handle better, and the animals will handle better if it’s cooler. So when it’s easier on the animals, it winds up being easier on everybody.

 
What did you think of the Primanti Brothers sandwich?
I thought it was good. I liked it. You ate a lot of it.

 
Thank you for noticing.
Sure.

 
What’s the first thing you want me to cook for you when we get home?
Strip steak sandwiches. And an egg-in-the-hole would be good. Though I did make a lot of egg-in-the-holes when you were gone last week. And I talked to Tim last night. Missy and the kids are gone, and he’s been making egg-in-the-holes for himself for dinner every night.

 
I have a really important question now.
Okay.

 
Do you like egg-in-the-holes?
(Just kind of looks at me.)

 
When you were a little boy, what ranching activity did you enjoy most?
Anything driving-related.

 
Like what?
Hauling hay, things like that. We drove all over the country when we were kids. We’d just load up our horses in the trailer and take off.

 
Like starting at what age did you load up your horses and take off?
For me, probably around nine. But by the time I was twelve, I was driving to our farm ground thirty miles away.

 
Gosh, that was a different time.
Yeah.

 
I had a golf cart when I grew up.
That’s nice.

 
My friend Becky and I once drove it through the wall of our garage and into our dining room.
No you did not.

 
Yes I did.
No you did not.

 
Yes I did.
No you did not.

 
Yes I did.
No you did not.

 
Yes I did. Ask my dad.
Okay, I will.

 
We kids drove that thing silly. My dad even painted it like an ambulance for Mike.
My first pickup had a 454.

 
A what?
A 454 engine. And only front brakes, so if you’d put a load on it, it’d just barely stop.

 
I don’t know what that means.
Never mind.

 
Well, my golf cart had some serious power.
(Laughing.)

 
What sort of ranching do we have waiting for us when we get back home?
We’re going to need to precondition some steers…

 
What does that mean?
You worm ’em, vaccinate ’em, and get ’em ready for the summer grass.

 
Me? I worm them?
No. One worms them.

 
Okay. Continue, please.
We also need to work some calves…and actually, we’ve got to mammy off some pairs before we work the calves.

 
What does ‘mammy off some pairs’ mean?
Separate the cows that have had calves from the cows who haven’t had their calves yet. Then you can work the calves.

 
What’s the point of separating them? Why not just go get the calves?
Because later you have to go back and work the calves that are born after you work the first group. If they’re all together, you’d have to gather them all up to find the new ones. This way, you don’t have to gather up the first ones again. It’s best to leave them alone as much as you can.

 
Oh. That’s what I thought.
Uh huh…

 
(Pause because I had to put on lip balm.)
One of the other things I liked when I was young was fighting fire.

 
I should have known that.
(Laughing.)

 
When you were a little boy, what was your least favorite ranching activity?
I didn’t like driving the tractor at the farm. It was boring. But the hardest thing was when we’d have a blizzard—invariably, we’d have to wind up moving some cattle around for one reason or another, and I was sure I’d freeze to death several times. And I remember having to do the same thing in storms—pouring rain, lightning—when we were shipping or otherwise couldn’t call it off. That was rough.

 
If you didn’t live on the ranch, where would most want to live?
In the mountains.

 
Any particular mountains?
Rocky Mountains.

 
Then I’d have to call you Mountain Man.
Hmmm.

 
I’d let you call me Mountain Woman. I’d stop shaving and would wear flannel plaid shirts.
Sounds like a good plan. You can do that now if you want.

 
You don’t mean that, do you?
(Doesn’t answer.)

 
What is our current location?
Oh, about fifty miles east of Columbus.

 
Ohio?
Yes.

 
It’s important to be specific, you know. There’s a Columbus, Georgia. For all I knew, you meant that.
I figured you’d know we were in Ohio.

 
Never assume someone else’s level of knowledge.
Got it.

 
Do you miss Charlie’s scent when we’re away from home?
No. Why would I miss that?

 
Because I do, and we’re one.
(No answer.)